The hour after the hour before……..

Today’s topic is one that I am SO familiar with, I’ll start with my own take on it.

You see, when I do something with a group of people – anything with any group of people – I always feel pretty terrible afterwards. If it’s a party, then the next morning, these negative feelings can be worsened by hangover effects in varying degrees. If it is running, these negative feelings are always lessened by the happy endorphins coursing through my body. The greater the role I’ve had to play in the event, the deeper the hole I fall into afterwards.

This isn’t new. I’ve felt like this for years. I just haven’t been able to work out what it is and why and how it happens before. Not that I have any answers now. Just a greater understanding that it is going to happen. After every event I organise, I have a crushing crisis of confidence. I over-analyse everything I’ve said and obsess over the things I shouldn’t have said. I work out who I have offended or upset. I wish I could have said explained something differently or done something differently. I dwell on the opportunities missed. I find a million ways it could have been better. Nothing anyone can say makes any difference, because they’re just saying it to make me feel better, aren’t they?

I exhaust myself and drain the life and energy out of what has just happened. I end up feeling wretched and desperately insecure and like I want to withdraw and never see anyone again.

But I do do it again. Over and over again. I can’t help myself. I love organising things. And people come and seem to enjoy coming, so I must be OK at it. I get such a buzz out of the idea and the making it happen and the preparation…and then the event happens…..and then I’m back in my hole again!

So why do it? Why put myself through all that?

Because if I didn’t, I would miss out. And maybe other people would miss out on whatever positive they draw from these events.

But what I’m trying to discover is how to get the balance right. My creative energy seems to flow in waves and when I am on the crest of a wave, the temptation is to plan far too much and then always be rushing from one thing to another without adequate recovery time. So last week, I actually shelved an idea for now – a really good idea it was too and it killed me to put it to one side – because I know I need some space. I know this because I am so desperate to go to Turkey on Thursday, it is an ache within me. I absolutely cannot wait to get away from it all, to have a simple life, to not feel torn, it give my brain a rest……and I am so grateful for this opportunity, I could cry.

Hopefully getting away from it all will restore my soul. Hopefully I will meet with God in the sunshine. Hopefully I will come back refreshed.

So if Elijah is anything like me, then he is going to be feeling mighty terrible right now.

After all, he has pitched himself and His God against 450 prophets of Baal and their gods. In front of a massive audience and a murderous king. High drama, masses of adrenaline, bags of confidence, an awe-inspiring victory…..

And then the crash.

Jezebel is hunting him down.

He is afraid and runs away.

Afraid? How can that be? Hasn’t His God just proved Himself mightier than any enemy?

He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.  1 Kings 19:4-5

He’s exhausted, completely drained. He feels utterly wretched.

And how does His God hear his cry and answer his prayer and meet his needs?

With compassion and food and drink –

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.  1 Kings 19:5-6

The same thing happens again so that he is strong enough to travel for forty days and forty nights into the wilderness. For some serious alone time.

And then God converses with Elijah. He asks Him what is wrong so he has to explain –

“I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”  1 Kings 19:10

Because putting something into words really helps us to understand it all better for ourselves too – that’s why talking therapies work.

God tells Elijah to stand on the mountain and expect a visit –

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  1 Kings 19:11-12

There is no rebuke, no criticism, no harsh words about where Elijah has gone wrong. God is not in the business of beating His man up when He is down. Instead, after a display of mighty power, he speaks to Elijah with a gentle whisper, a still, small voice….with gentleness and kindness and love.

After this, God asks the same question to Elijah and Elijah gives the same response. He is feeling alone. He is feeling overwhelmed.

So God again hears his cry and answers his prayer and meets his needs – by giving Him some helpers –

Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet.  1 Kings 19:15-16

These men will support Elijah and protect him and share the load and take the weight of responsibility from him.

So Elijah goes to find Elisha and after saying goodbye to his family, he leaves his home to follow Elijah and become his servant – to observe him and learn from him.

Elijah is no longer alone and will no longer feel overwhelmed.

He has been brought back from the brink.

Just as an aside – an important aside – there are a lot of people in the world around us (far more than we realise) who are on the brink – who feel desperate and wretched and alone and overwhelmed….how can we be there for these people in our lives?

Anyway, a final thought……

We are capable of beating ourselves up far more effectively than anyone else can. We are our own worst enemy, because we know better than anyone the best place to stick the knife in. We can choose to let the negative voices take over our minds and drag us down into a pit of despair. Or we can recognise them for what they are – an extension of a natural reaction of feeling tired and drained after an event. We can limit the browbeating to ten minutes of reflective evaluation – and then leave it there. We can find what works for us in terms of restoring our soul – a cup of tea, rest, a favourite TV programme, some food, a relaxing bath, some kind encouragement and compassion and nurturing, a gentle touch from God…..or a holiday in Turkey!