The lost art of kissing

Song of Songs chapter 1 verse 1 –

The Song—best of all songs—Solomon’s song!

Song of Songs chapter 1 verse 2 –

Kiss me—full on the mouth!

Bam! Straight in there! No hanging around!

Not just that routine kiss of the cheek we’ve come to expect when our partner is on the way out of the door. Oh no! We’re talking the full on experience!

That’s because kissing is amazing. Intimate. Sensual.

Or at least it used to be. As a teenager, it was all about the kissing. You can probably vividly remember your first kiss. For a while there, kissing was all that there was, Not that that mattered. Because kissing was incredible! Then we moved on to other things and kissing soon became a means to an end – a way to get to the end result – and it became less and less significant and less and less pleasurable in itself.

Somewhere along the way, we lost the art of kissing. Of course, on TV, they do it a lot. It’s a way of showing the audience how passionate these two people are about each other – an outward way of expressing inward desire. But in real life, how many of us kiss on a regular basis? When did we outgrow kissing? And what have we lost in the process?

I’m talking about you as if I know. I don’t. I’m sorry if I’m making assumptions. But according to research, I don’t think I’m alone.

The Telegraph reported that a 2011 British Heart Foundation survey found that only five percent of married people kiss more than 30 times a week.

30 times a week?

That sounds a lot, doesn’t it?

I really have some catching up to do!

So…to kiss or not to kiss? That is the question. Let’s have a look at some reasons for and against this lost art…

EIGHT GOOD REASONS NOT TO KISS

1. It’s gross: Exploring someone else’s mouth opens you up to all sorts of bad tastes and smells and sensations – bad breath, bad oral hygiene, bits of food in the mouth, aftertaste of smoking or coffee or beer. And that’s what you know about – what about all the germs? Apparently, you exchange 80 million microbes whenever you kiss someone new. That’s more than the 77,000 different microbes you’ll find in a public toilet.
2. That row: There’s that thing between you – that niggle that’s been festering for weeks, that every time you talk about, you argue. That’s all you see now when you catch a glimpse of your partner. You can’t look them in the eye, let alone kiss them.
3. Kids: However old they are, kids always get in the way. They have this sixth sense that makes them cry out or walk into the room or text for a lift when the kissing is about to get underway. They make you believe kissing at your stage of life is just embarrassing. And they do such a great job of getting in between you and dividing you over the smallest of decisions that the gap just carries on getting wider and wider.
4. So much to do: So much more important to do. There’s always work, always emails, always dogs to walk and washing to sort. Everything else always seems so much more important, so much more immediate.
5. Low self esteem: Poor body image, lack of confidence…whatever you want to call it. Basically, you don’t like yourself very much any more – the way you look, the way you feel, the way you’re ageing. You’re so not like any of the images of sensuality and sexuality that you are bombarded with every single day. You don’t want to be confronted with just how unattractive you feel right now, so you do all that you can to distract yourself in other ways.
6. Something more: These days, kissing always leads to something more. Somewhere you’re really not up for going right now. You’re tired, you’ve got a busy day tomorrow, you just don’t feel like it. And if you kiss, well that’s a sign that you’re happy for it to go all the way, isn’t it? And you’re not. Oh no, no, no…
7. The state of your relationship: You’ve got comfortable with each other – some would say too comfortable. You don’t try any more. You’ve lost that intensity, that passion. You’ve got too used to each other. If you examine it too closely, you’re not even sure you’re in love any more. So you steer well away form examining it too closely. For everyone’s sake.
8. Easy to forget how good it is: Kissing is one of those things that falls into the category of ‘I should do that more often!’  Things that feel great at the time and make you feel wonderful afterwards. And then you forget. How quickly you forget. You can’t be bothered to give it a go. Until eventually you can and then you exclaim again ‘I should do that more often!’

EIGHT GOOD REASONS TO KISS

1. Connection: Kissing can be more intimate than having sex (that’s why many sex workers refuse to kiss their clients). Apparently, kissing increases oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. Couples that kiss stay together – well yes, that sounds a bit trite, but there’s some sense in it. Kissing is about saying this relationship is important to me and I’m going to give it my all…and surely that is a great start for a long-lasting relationship
2. Stress-buster: Kissing is a stress buster. It reduces stress. It decreases the level of cortisol, which is a stress hormone and releases endorphins – those natural happy chemicals that make you feel great.
3. A boost to your sex life: Among people who love having sex with their partners, 85% kiss passionately on a regular basis. Among men and women who do not enjoy sex, 86% of them rarely or never kiss passionately.
4. Pleasure: Your lips are the most sensitive part of your body. They have more nerve-endings than any other area – yes, you heard me, than ANY other area! Lips are super-sensitive.
5. The feelgood factor: Kissing can make you feel good about yourself. In that moment, you matter. You are the centre of attention. You are attractive and desirable. You are all that matters.
6. Fun: Kissing doesn’t have to lead somewhere. It can just be fun. Pure and simple. Any time, anywhere…kissing can make you feel young again.
7. A statement: Kissing makes a statement. Not that I’m suggesting you take to the streets for a Public Display of Affection. But kissing states – to each other, to the kids, to the world – that we are together, we matter to each other, this relationship matters. However old we are. However long we’ve been together.
8. Being fully present: Basically, it seems it all boils down to mindfulness. Like so much in life. Being fully there. Enjoying the moment. Not wishing it was over so you can get on with the next thing. Not going through the motions. Not getting distracted by deciding what to cook for tea. Not wondering who has just texted you. This person in front of you needs your full attention. It’s a great way to practise the mindfulness that can actually transform every area of your life.

So there you have it. The pros and cons.

Now it’s up to you.

If you’ve forgotten how and don’t know where to start, have a watch of some of these Youtube tutorials by kissing expert Shallon Lester. They’re sure to put a smile on your face. And how many cupcakes you get through in your practice is entirely up to you.

So come on! Get inspired! Google ‘the lost art of kissing’. I did. Here’s a few sites I looked at –

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/06/sexless-marriage-kissing_n_1746190.html

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a38621/things-you-didnt-know-about-kissing/

http://mamiverse.com/why-couples-lose-the-art-of-kissing-6832

And there are loads more out there.

Experiment. Play. Explore.

It’s all about creating time and space to declare kissing matters. This person matters. Our relationship matters.