A crisis of confidence….

Crises of confidence…we all have them, don’t we? Or is it just me?

I pretty much walk around with at least one crisis of confidence about one area of my life or another raging in my head the whole time.

Don’t you? Is that not normal?

I am a very insecure person.

Which may surprise some of you.

I may appear confident to you, but…….

I love being with people and find people fascinating, but I also find being with people very draining because I am constantly second-guessing what they are thinking and feeling about me. I read between the lines constantly. I approach a room full of people believing that hearts will sink when I enter the room. Afterwards, I over-analyse conversations and beat myself up for talking too much, saying the wrong thing, being too this or too that. I try not to even imagine what people think of what I look like or the way I dress.

And as for texting – wow! – that is open to far more interpretation than I am comfortable with…like this text exchange between me and one of my closest friends –

ME: Shall we do the staiths again Monday? Maybe walk and photos before cake?

HER:  Can do

ME: Is that  keen ‘can do’ or a cba really ‘can do’?

HER:  Ooooh I would love too :-)))))))))))))

ME: I am struggling with insecurity still as you can see!

Even then, her response was a bit tongue in cheek, I thought. She was laughing at me, I think. Don’t you?

The same with Facebook statuses and comments – if any of my Facebook friends posts that someone has really annoyed them, I always initially assume it is me – even if I haven’t seen them for weeks!

Whenever I achieve something, I always feel I could have done better. I could have done more. There is always still more to do. So much to do. (even writing all this is exhausting!)

This all sounds pretty miserable. I’m not miserable. I am a grown 50 year old woman who has a heap of insecurities but is working to challenge her insecurities and find security in the people and God that matter. I still struggle, that’s all.

To this end, I deliberately challenge myself to do things I know I probably won’t be any good at. Like running last year. And Ceroc right now. This new dance class I’m trying. I’ve never learnt to dance ever before. And I’m not great. I’m not awful, but I’m never going to be amazing either. And dealing with that is really really good for me. Relaxing into that is good for me. Allowing other people to accept me and encourage me and teach me is good for me.

Anyway, why all this today?

Because when Samuel goes to find Saul to anoint him as the first king of the people of Israel, he can’t find him.

 

Up to that point, everything has happened exactly as Samuel had so accurately predicted it would.

Everything. Right down to the last letter.

As Saul turned to leave Samuel (after enquiring about his lost donkeys), God changed Saul’s heart, and all these signs were fulfilled that day.  1 Samuel 10:9

The Spirit of God came powerfully upon him and he prophesied with the prophets and everyone round him started talking about it……is this Saul? It can’t be Saul. Really? Kish’s son? You’ve got to be kidding me. Since when was he into all this shouting and singing and dancing (that’s what everyone will be saying about me in Arkansas – see later!)?

Saul’s uncle asked him directly what was going on….and Saul told him everything that Samuel had said…..well, everything about the donkeys anyway….he conveniently missed out all the stuff about him becoming king, for some reason!

So Samuel gathers representatives from all the tribes of Israel, tells them it’s time for them to get the king they have been asking for, calls for Saul….and Saul does not come.

He has to ask where he is. And Saul is hiding. Hiding among the supplies.

Hiding from the limelight.

Hiding from his calling.

Hiding from the responsibility.

Hiding from the challenge.

Hiding because his insecurity has sapped all his confidence.

Last Saturday at about 11:30, if you had come into my store, you would not have been able to find me.

I was hiding in the staff room.

Hiding because of a particularly harsh criticism I’d received from a customer.

I blamed myself.

My confidence drained out of me because I felt I must have badly misjudged the situation.

I had thought I was good at my job and this proved I was not.

How could I ever show my face again?

I posted this comment on Facebook as I slowly recovered –

Everyone gets knocked down. That’s normal. It’s how you get up again that matters.

I regained some perspective. I got out there and did my job. I smiled. I was good at my job again.

So…back to the story….Saul is found and brought out and everyone marvels at his height.

Samuel said to all the people, “Do you see the man the Lord has chosen? There is no one like him among all the people.”

Then the people shouted, “Long live the king!”  1 Samuel 10:24

There will be rights and duties attached to this kingship. Saul goes home a changed man.

Other people (a few other people) don’t like it. There’s always someone who doesn’t like it.

But some scoundrels said, “How can this fellow save us?” They despised him and brought him no gifts. But Saul kept silent.  1 Samuel 10:27

He’s right. It probably is best to keep quiet in that sort of situation and recognise their reaction for what is is….jealousy maybe, or fear, or anxiety, or pessimism, or trouble making.

Hopefully Saul will be able to prove himself with his actions and have no need to defend himself with words.

He will need plenty of confidence and resilience to resist hiding away among the supplies and take on this role as king!

I’m going to need bucketfuls of that kind of confidence and resilience when I go to Arkansas (not as momentous as being king of Israel, I realise that, but a big thing in my world at the moment!). As I sat in a room of 170 super extrovert colleagues in Leeds the other week, I realised there was nowhere to hide. Each one of us had the privilege of being nominated, selected, picked, chosen….each one of us would each represent 1000 UK colleagues. I am pushing well out of my comfort zone….I do not know anyone else going….I will be sharing a room with someone I don’t know…..I will be expected to whoop and cheer and make some noise along with all the other green-blooded ambassadors……I will be expected to eat when I’m told, drink when I’m told and sleep when I’m told…….I will be expected to interact with my counterparts from all over the world pretty much all of the time…..nowhere to hide, Helen, nowhere to hide….

Let’s none of us hide away but try today to do what Jesus taught –

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.  Matthew 5:14-16

So sing along now –

1. Jesus bids us shine with a clear, pure light,
   Like a little candle burning in the night;
   In this world of darkness, we must shine,
   You in your small corner, and I in mine.
2. Jesus bids us shine, first of all for Him;
   Well He sees and knows it if our light is dim;
   He looks down from heaven, sees us shine,
   You in your small corner, and I in mine.
3. Jesus bids us shine, then, for all around,
   Many kinds of darkness in this world abound:
   Sin, and want, and sorrow—we must shine,
   You in your small corner, and I in mine.

And this one –

This little light of mine
I’m going to let it shine
Oh, this little light of mine
I’m going to let it shine
Hallelujah
This little light of mine
I’m going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Ev’ry where I go
I’m going to let it shine
Oh, ev’ry where I go
I’m going to let it shine
Hallelujah
Ev’ry where I go
I’m going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

All in my house
I’m going to let it shine
Oh, all in my house
I’m going to let it shine
Hallelujah
All in my house
I’m going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

I’m not going to make it shine
I’m just going to let it shine
I’m not going to make it shine
I’m just going to let it shine
Hallelujah
I’m not going to make it shine
I’m just going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Out in the dark
I’m going to let it shine
Oh, out in the dark
I’m going to let it shine
Hallelujah
Out in the dark
I’m going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine