Family, friends and everyone else…

As I read through Proverbs 17, I’m struck by one thing. The question that my Dad asked me on a regular basis –

What are you teaching your children?

This collection of 28 proverbs seems to focus on learning and teaching and the opportunities that they bring. Let’s see what we can take from it.

So let’s start with family:-

Having a fool for a child is misery;
it’s no fun being the parent of a dolt. v21

A surly, stupid child is sheer pain to a father,
a bitter pill for a mother to swallow. v25

Let’s be clear. This has nothing to do with intelligence. IQ levels do not measure wisdom. As you know, I have five children. Five children that cover the whole range of ability. And all of them have the capability to do very foolish things at times and make very stupid decisions. It’s hard to watch as a parent, isn’t it? We would love them to learn from our mistakes and experience, to listen to our wise advice…but no. They feel the need to do it their way. To prove they know best. Right until the moment when they don’t! Then they’re happy enough to accept your support!

We have been through some pretty miserable patches with our children. Seasons where one is a complete pain in the neck. Where we lose sleep over another. Child no 1 was nicknamed ‘Captain Sensible’ by his Reception teacher, because he was not! This was her attempt at reverse psychology – with limited success. Our second got off to a rough start, then became perfect child for a while – until he was not! The middle child hit a rough patch at about 11 – which developed into a very rough patch! – that lasted a good few years. Child no 4 – well, he is very low ability – and is an absolute delight a lot of the time and brings us a lot of joy. He’s had his ups and downs of course and is developing a very stubborn teenage streak – so what this space. And the youngest was born with a stubborn streak – the definition of feisty, that’s her. Primary School was tough, the start of Secondary School not much better…

And the reason for telling you all this? Because it is all for a season. It is genuinely all a phase. Different children struggle at different stages. And whilst as parents, our kids really do have an amazing knack to make us very, very miserable, there are glimpses of joy. Moments where the sun shines in their lives and we see them making wise choices and being the best they can be – and our hearts burst with joy. And whilst our children can be a complete pain to live with and can hand us all sorts of bitter pills to swallow (literally hand us a poor school report or a ban from the Metro Centre for shop lifting or a text from another angry parent or a fine for fare dodging or a concerning bank statement…), we never stop loving them. We trust that they will come through. We grab onto the moments of joy and connection with both hands. We celebrate the good and support them through the bad. We stop being concerned about how this reflects on our parenting and concern ourselves rather with how best to parent.

Old people are distinguished by grandchildren;
children take pride in their parents. v6

Grandchildren are precious. Or so it seems. I can’t speak from experience. But I know how much my Dad’s grandchildren meant to him. And thinking about it just now, I realised that watching how your children parent your grandchildren must give you a pretty accurate reflection of how you yourself parented them.

And when a child takes pride in a parent, then that is a really special moment. Let’s face it, most of the time, we’re an embarrassment to our children. A disappointment at times. But sometimes we do make them feel proud. One of my sons is really good at voicing how proud he is of me – which I treasure (although he still finds it hard to be seen in public with me!).

And the final word on family…

Friends love through all kinds of weather,
and families stick together in all kinds of trouble. v17

Next, let’s move on to looking after and teaching someone else’s child – maybe a babysitter or childminder or nursery nurse or teacher or foster carer or auntie or Sunday School teacher…

A wise servant takes charge of an unruly child
and is honoured as one of the family. v2

Looking after the easy ones is easy. It’s looking after the disruptive ones that’s hard. That really shows how good you are at what you’re doing. We’ve observed this over the years with our own kids and the people we have trusted to teach and look after them. Some really painful experiences where our children have been misunderstood and labelled and judged… Other wonderful experiences where people have treasured and appreciated our children for who they are. Who have loved them and shown an interest in them as they are. And yes, we honour those people. We will not forget.

And as for leaders – our leaders and coaches and managers –

We don’t expect eloquence from fools,
nor do we expect lies from our leaders. v7

We put our trust in them. They need to honour that trust and stick to integrity at all times.

And then we move on to friendship.

Overlook an offence and bond a friendship;
fasten on to a slight and—good-bye, friend! v9

The start of a quarrel is like a leak in a dam,
so stop it before it bursts. v14

Friends love through all kinds of weather,
and families stick together in all kinds of trouble. v17

To me, a friend is a friend. If we fall out, we won’t stop being friends. We will find a way to resolve it. Friendship is a constant. I don’t have to prove my friendship. It just is.

So I will not take offence – and if I do find something hard, I will come to you and talk about it. I won’t sulk or sit with it or let it affect our friendship. And I can disagree with a good friend without it blowing up into an irreconcilable difference. So if you’re my friend, relax. We’re in it for the long haul. Our friendship will probably have its ups and downs and there’ll probably be times where you’re sick of me or don’t even like me much, but we’ll come through that. We always do and always will.

And finally, everyone else. Our acquaintances. The people we work with. Our Facebook friends.

A quiet rebuke to a person of good sense
does more than a whack on the head of a fool. v10

Sometimes, we shouldn’t just sit by and let someone get away with it. Whatever it is. Something we know is not right. But there’s a way of approaching it. A way of saying something. It’s worth finding the best way.

Whitewashing bad people and throwing mud on good people
are equally abhorrent to God. v15

Be careful what you say. Don’t excuse wrongdoing. Or blame anyone for what they have not done.

Just be careful.

Basically, be wise.