I’ll get you for that!

There are 30 more proverbs in Proverbs 20 – some covering the same ground we have covered before and others covering new ground. Such as this gem –

Wine makes you mean, beer makes you quarrelsome—
a staggering drunk is not much fun.   Proverbs 20:1

One to remember on my night out on Friday night!

There’s much in this chapter about leadership, laziness, loyalty and lack of integrity – well worth a read if you have the time.  But today, I thought we’d look at just one verse –

Don’t ever say, “I’ll get you for that!”
Wait for God; he’ll settle the score.  Proverbs 20:22

That’s in the Message. Here is it in the New International Version too –

Do not say, ‘I’ll pay you back for this wrong!’
Wait for the Lord, and he will avenge you.

Revenge. This is all about revenge, right? Revenge is ‘the action of hurting or harming someone in return for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands’. ‘In return’ – that’s what makes it OK, doesn’t it? You’ve hurt me, so I have to hurt you. You can’t get away with that. You need to know how much you’ve hurt me. You need to pay for what you’ve done. Hurt me, or even worse one of mine, and I will come after you.

Revenge is sweet. For a while.

Humans seem to be born with this inbuilt sense of justice, or at least develop it at a very early age. You see it in the youngest of kids. The escalation of violence over something that started out quite trivial. The constant fallings out in the school playground that last well into the early teens. But then we grow up and grow out of it, right?

You’d like to think so, but no. Not always. Not even often. We have this fierce sense of justice. And yes, justice is important. The justice system helps keep control and law in this land. And yes, there are often consequences that need dealing with. I’m not talking about brushing wrongdoings under the carpet and pretending they don’t matter.

I’m talking about reacting out of a place of hurt to deliberately hurt someone else. Continuing the hurt. Worsening the relationship. And what can this possibly achieve?

In many ways, we expect people to react like this. Yesterday in the car, my friend was saying how she shouldn’t have posted something she’d posted on Facebook and commented ‘I really didn’t think you’d be talking to me today.’ Really? You think I’m that person? Have I done that before – stopped talking to you over something you’ve said? Why do you expect that of me? I’d like to think we’re beyond all that – that yes, we can talk things through if they need talking through, but no, not resort to not talking…

It happens all the time. It’s so sad. We should know better. But when we’re hurt, really hurt, instinct kicks in and we need someone to lash out at – and who better than the person who hurt us in the first place?

And again, yes, this is really complicated, because I’m not advocating allowing someone to go on hurting you. Sometimes you do have to change things. You do have to get appropriate boundaries in place. You may have to distance yourself from that person. But your motivation is not to cause them harm (and often, causing them harm causes you harm too. Taking revenge affects you as much as the other person), but to protect yourself from being hurt by them over and over again.

So all of this is food for thought, hopefully. Let me finish with a story that has been going on for me for fourteen years and is still not finished. Probably never will be.

Fourteen years ago, I was deeply hurt by someone I trusted and respected. I’d been overheard saying something about them (taken out of context, in my opinion, and I was never given the chance to explain). This person felt betrayed and reacted. Over-reacted. The consequences he imposed were far greater than the comment warranted. He was hurt and wanted to hurt me, I guess.

I sat back and took it. I didn’t enter into a cycle of revenge. It changed my relationship with that person, of course it did, and I suppose it changed the way I saw everything he did and judged him. But I genuinely did not wish him harm or seek to hurt him. I hated the situation. It made me miserable. I hated being out of relationship with him. I tried to speak to him about it and seek reconciliation but he was having none of it. He wasn’t interested in resolving anything. I found a way to apologise to him. I then waited for an apology back. It’s been a long wait.

I remember discussing the book ‘The Shack’ with a friend one day and talking about forgiveness. Because the stuff in that book on forgiveness is so challenging and well worth a read. She was pointing out that I had to forgive. Whether I received an apology or not. That not forgiving was holding me back and adversely affecting my own life. So I embarked on a journey of forgiveness, which has been long and hard, but gradually liberating all the same.

And there have been other hurts along the way. It’s been a bumpy ride. I’ve taken a lot of criticism and have never been given a chance to redeem myself. It’s been a constant battle to feel this hurt and not lash out.

In January this year, I wrote a letter to this person, thanking him for all the positive input he has made in my life and my family. Admitting again that I have hurt him and he has hurt me. Seeking peace and reconciliation. I meant every word. I want this to be over. I fully expected for the letter to be ignored and to get no response. But yes, there was a response. After a couple of days, he sought me out, gave me a hug, thanked me for the letter and said he agreed with most of what I said. That was it. No great discussion. Progress yes, but not the great reconciliation I’d been yearning for all these years. It still feels unresolved on many levels. But that is the best I will ever get, I think.

And what has helped me most over the years is the whole idea that we are all accountable to God for what we have done. Even if nothing is ever resolved in this life, we will be held to account. God will sort it. That doesn’t feel very satisfactory in the short term, when your heart is hurting and screaming out for revenge, I know. But not everything will get sorted. Some things will always stay unresolved. And we have to find a way to live with that. To be OK with that. To find a way to forgive and to love.

So let’s remind ourselves of that proverb again –

Don’t ever say, “I’ll get you for that!”
Wait for God; he’ll settle the score. Proverbs 20:22

And let’s keep reminding ourselves of it, a million times a day if necessary!

Let it change our lives.