The role of friends in our relationship

Friends play a role in Song of Songs, because friends play a role in every life.

Authentic friends celebrate with us.

We rejoice and delight in you;
we will praise your love more than wine.  Song of Songs 1:4

They are happy to see us happy. They are rooting for us. They celebrate our love.

‘You two are so good together!’

Authentic friends motivate us.

If you do not know, most beautiful of women,
follow the tracks of the sheep
and graze your young goats
by the tents of the shepherds.  Song of Songs 1:8

They know us better than anyone else. They know when it’s right to go for it. They want the best for us and challenge us to reach out for it.

‘Go for it! You know you want to.’

Authentic friends encourage us.

Eat, friends, and drink;
drink your fill of love.  Song of Songs 5:1

They encourage us to seize the moment. They give us the space to enjoy our love. They want to see it work.

‘I am so happy for you right now.’

Authentic friends challenge us.

How is your beloved better than others,
most beautiful of women?
How is your beloved better than others,
that you so charge us?  Song of Songs 5:9

They keep it real. They ask the right questions. They want to make sure this is really the right thing,

‘Just wanting to be sure you’re sure…’

Authentic friends support us.

Where has your beloved gone,
most beautiful of women?
Which way did your beloved turn,
that we may look for him with you?  Song of Songs 6:1

They are there through the ups and downs. They walk with us. They do all that they can to support our relationship.

‘What can I do to help?’

Authentic friends love us.

Who is this that appears like the dawn,
fair as the moon, bright as the sun,
majestic as the stars in procession?  Song of Songs 6:10

They think we’re amazing. They see the best in us. They make us feel good about ourselves.

‘You’ll always be my bestie…’

Authentic friends have time for us.

Come back, come back, O Shulammite;
come back, come back, that we may gaze on you!  Song of Songs 6:13

They love being with us. They want to spend time with us. They’ll always make the time.

‘Hey, it’s about time we went out…’

Authentic friends give us space.

Who is this coming up from the wilderness
leaning on her beloved?  Song of Songs 8:5

They allow us time and space when we need it. They are not filled with insecurities. They’re always glad to see us again.

‘Hey, good to see you. It’s been a while.’

Authentic friends protect us.

We have a little sister,
and her breasts are not yet grown.
What shall we do for our sister
on the day she is spoken for?
If she is a wall,
we will build towers of silver on her.
If she is a door,
we will enclose her with panels of cedar. Song of Songs 8:8-9

They have our back. They will do their best to make sure we don’t get hurt. They’ll keep us safe.

‘I’ll be there for you…’

Sounds great, doesn’t it? We are very fortunate if we have even one friend like that in our lives. I have a good group of friends and over the years, we’ve been pretty open about our relationships. Too open on occasions, maybe. I never used to think there was such a thing as being too open, but I’ve learnt the hard way that there are dangers in telling too many people too much information.

So…a word of warning.

Our relationship with our partner is the most important relationship in our lives. It is the most intimate. This is the person that knows us best of all, that loves us best of all.

When our partner opens up to us and is truly themselves, they trust us to protect those revelations carefully. We have to be really careful not to abuse that trust.

Yes, sometimes we need to share. It helps us make sense of things and gives us the support we need. But we need to be really careful what we share and who we share it with.

Exclusivity is what makes this relationship different. It is good to maintain a private life, to share things together that only the two of you know.

Relationships are hard enough as it is, without inviting extra people in to give their thoughts and opinions. Sometimes friends have their own agendas. It can be dangerous to allow someone outside the relationship to have too much power to affect the two people in the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not contradicting all that I said before about authentic friends supporting each others’ relationships. I’m just suggesting that we need to exercise some caution. We need to be careful with who we trust with the most important relationship of all.

And as friends, we need to respect this. We have to allow our friends to not tell us everything. We have a role to play in supporting their relationship, but we don’t need to know it all to be able to do that.

So let’s celebrate love wherever we see it. And let’s do all that we can to protect that love.