The lost art of connection

We’ve had the joyous connection and the delicious afterglow – so what comes next? Well, it’s a dream. A dream of longing and loss that turns into a nightmare.

I slept but my heart was awake.
Listen! My beloved is knocking:
‘Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one.
My head is drenched with dew,
my hair with the dampness of the night.’
I have taken off my robe –
must I put it on again?
I have washed my feet –
must I soil them again?
My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening;
my heart began to pound for him.
I arose to open for my beloved,
and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with flowing myrrh,
on the handles of the bolt.
I opened for my beloved,
but my beloved had left; he was gone.
My heart sank at his departure.
I looked for him but did not find him.
I called him but he did not answer.
The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
They beat me, they bruised me;
they took away my cloak,
those watchmen of the walls!
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you –
if you find my beloved,
what will you tell him?
Tell him I am faint with love.  Song of Songs 5:2-8

Because life is like that, isn’t it? It isn’t all connection and afterglow. Sometimes we have to sleep. And eat and work and play with the kids and do the housework and be involved in all manner of things that draw our attention away from the one we love.

And sometimes when our partner is overcome with desire for us, we are just not feeling it. They make it clear they’re ‘up for it’, but we are not. On one level, we just can’t be bothered –

I have taken off my robe –
must I put it on again?
I have washed my feet –
must I soil them again?

It seems like such a lot of effort…on this occasion, the lover persists and there is a stirring deep inside. But when the young woman opens the door, he’s lost interest. He’s given up. He’s gone off to do something else. He’s taken no for an answer.

By that time, she’s keen. Really keen. She feels deeply what she has lost. She calls out for connection but there is none.

My heart sank at his departure.
I looked for him but did not find him.
I called him but he did not answer.

It’s just so easy in relationships to lose that intimate connection, isn’t it? To reach out and be rejected. To feel that you are not worth the effort. That your partner would rather be somewhere else, doing something else with someone else (watching the football with his mates for example or out drinking on a girly night across the town). The timing is sometimes all wrong – by the time the one has got their mind round it and is ready, the other has lost interest…

And then we get frustrated. Resentment creeps in. We start to make bad decisions with disastrous results.

The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
They beat me, they bruised me;
they took away my cloak,
those watchmen of the walls!

And at that point, we ask for help. We ask friends. We see a counsellor. We do what we need to do to restore relationship with our loved one.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you –
if you find my beloved,
what will you tell him?
Tell him I am faint with love.

If you see him, tell him I love him.

This is a familiar story. It happens all the time. Losing the connection you once had. It can happen gradually over time, until one day you open your eyes and realise how far apart the pair of you have drifted. You would both say you still love each other, but you’ve lost the art of communicating that love. Children have a lot to answer for here – they have a knack of getting in between parents and create distance between them by highlighting their different parenting styles and different ways of dealing with the stresses of bringing up kids.

And actually, one reason that we can lose this connection with our partner is that we have lost that connection with ourselves. Life gets in the way. Work gets in the way. Everything gets in the way. We lose touch with who we really are. We concentrate far too much on the externals and give far too little time and attention to nurturing and knowing our inner selves.

Don’t lose heart. It is never too late to start. Never too late to reach out to a partner or respond when they reach out to you. Never too late to discover each other more as you discover yourselves more. It will have its ups and downs. Communication always does. But there is help out there if you need it. Even starting to seek help sets the intention that yes, this is worth working on, this is worth getting help with – this matters to both of us.

Be honest. About everything. True connection is about allowing someone to penetrate you intimately – emotionally. To know all that there is to know about you. For you to trust enough to let them see the real you. Dishonesty – on any level – mars connection.

Prioritise sex. Isn’t sex one of those things that afterwards you say ‘We should do that more often.’ Well, do it more often! Sex is the cement of connection. It is the glue of a relationship (and just a reminder – by sex, I mean anything intimate that you wouldn’t do with anyone else…be imaginative!).

Nurture yourself as an individual. Take time apart to do your own things. The things that feed your soul and make your heart sing. Get to know yourself and what you love doing and who you love being. Then come back together fulfilled and happy and creative and raring to go!

And most importantly, don’t give up. Don’t settle for less. Always believe in better. Always strive together for a deeper intimacy, a stronger connection. Make what you have together the best that it can be.

Of course, this process with have its ups and downs. Its encouragements and disappointments. Its hurts and joys. Relationships always do. This precious relationship that you are a part of is a journey through an ever-changing landscape. A journey that the two of you can undertake together, holding hands as you negotiate the path through life.