Not tonight, honey…

I went down to the grove of nut trees
to look at the new growth in the valley,
to see if the vines had budded
or the pomegranates were in bloom.
Before I realised it,
my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people. Song of Songs 6:11-12

This young man is having the time of his life. He’s got it bad. He’s consumed with desire for the one he loves. The more he sees and touches and tastes of her, the more he wants.

Desire is more than a superficial want. It’s a deep longing, deep down in the depths of your being. A yearning, a craving that needs to be satisfied.

How beautiful your sandalled feet,
O prince’s daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of an artist’s hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet
that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat
encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon
by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon
looking towards Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry;
the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
my love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.’
May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.  Song of Songs 7:1-9

Everything about her is beautiful – her feet, her legs, her navel, her waist…He’s moving his way up her body – her breasts, her neck, her eyes, her nose…finishing off with her head and her hair. He describes her as a palm tree with delicious clusters of fruit. He longs to climb the tree and take hold of the fruit…

Happily, there is nothing unrequited about this desire. He is not acting as the master, forcing himself on the unwilling wife that he owns. There is a mutuality here. This is love, not power. This is consensual love –

May the wine go straight to my beloved,
flowing gently over lips and teeth.
I belong to my beloved,
and his desire is for me.  Song of Songs 7:9-10

She wants this as much as he does. Sex should always be this way. Always. Based on a mutual desire. Based on consent. There is no debate about this. Sex should never be forced or expected or manipulated or demanded. Because that kind of sex can never be what sex is all about – a mutual celebration of love and desire and trust.

So what happens when one partner wants sex and the other does not? It happens. We don’t all live in the zone all the time when we both feel the desire at the same time. In the early days, maybe yes. Maybe we felt a hunger for each other all day, every day. But times change. Relationships change. Situations change. People change. This craving for one another loses its intensity.

So when he snuggles up to you in bed at night, you roll over and say ‘I’ve got a headache, sorry’. Or when she says with a wink she’s going up to bed, you stay in front of the TV and discover a programme you really can’t miss. There are a million and one excuses. A million and one ways of avoiding sex. There’s a name for it. It’s called desire discrepancy. And it’s pretty miserable. On both sides (and don’t ever think it’s always the man who’s up for it and the woman who is not…).

Desire discrepancy in a relationship does not usually indicate a lack of love. Although sometimes this is the case. You loved each other once, but other things have got in the way. You loved you partner with your whole heart, but they have now changed beyond recognition. You’ve drifted apart. Sometimes there is a way back from this. A way to rediscover the love that once was. It depends on how much you both want it. How committed you both are to making it work again. A long-term relationship is not easy for anyone, you know. It takes work. Many couples have had to seek help along the way – they’ve had counselling, they’ve been to Relate, they’ve had to be honest and talk and open up.

This diminishing of desire is in part a natural thing. It’s all down to science. An attraction to one another produces chemicals – phenylethylamine (PEA) and dopamine and norepinephrine – which produce all those reactions that we associate with falling in love – euphoria, increased energy, loss of appetite, and less need for sleep. They also increase sexual desire – so that the human race continues. The desire to mate produces babies – that, from a biological point of view, is what sex is all about. The effects of these chemicals start to fade after six months, however, and have pretty much subsided by the second year of a relationship. There’s been just enough time to mate and procreate – their work here is done. So yes, the ‘honeymoon period’ really is a thing. And it fades.

That’s when the work begins. So it’s not about blame and often, it’s not about falling out of love. It’s nature. Sex becomes then more that just a response to an overwhelming desire. There’s something intentional about it. You know it is important for you as a couple. It is the glue of your relationship and your want to stick together. So you work together to keep desire alive.

Loss of libido – sex drive – is maybe worth talking to your doctor about. It’s a medical condition and there may be something that can be done to understand it better in your case and find a way to work with it. For some, it is situational – pregnancy, breastfeeding, stresses at work, bereavement, anxiety, drug and alcohol misuse…At other times, it is linked to a medical condition such as depression, cardiovascular disease and diabetes. Some medications affect libido. The menopause can have an effect too. Whatever the reason, you don’t have to just shrug your shoulders and get on with life – you can work towards a solution (and remember, sex is not just about penetration – the final act – it’s about all those little intimate joyous things that you do with a partner that you wouldn’t do with anyone else).

So here’s a few reminders to finish on to maybe spur you in to deal with your desire discrepancy (if, indeed, this is a thing for you):-

• sex is good for you. Both of you. Both as individuals and as a couple.
• be honest – and be kind and understanding towards each other when you are
• forget how imperfect your body has become (if it ever was perfect!) – we all have flaws – do what you can to feel more relaxed (lighting, clothing..)
• try something new – be imaginative (I’m not talking 50 Shades here…it doesn’t have to be so very ‘out there’). Maybe a massage…experiment with natural aphrodisiacs…try a different time of the day
• explore sensuality – engage all the senses
• get time away from the kids – not just when they’re babies, teenagers can be just as intrusive. Make it happen!
• sort out your medication
• seek help – if you need help, get it. This is important.