Public Displays of Affection

Song of Songs has proved to be a collection of love songs packed with joy and desire and mutual admiration. There is much to celebrate. These two young people have found love together. They are totally committed to one another in every way. They adore each other. And yet there is one more thing that this young woman desires. One more thing that would make her love perfect. She wishes with all her heart that she could be open about her love. That she publicly could show affection as she would to a relative. That she could be seen with her lover and welcome him into her mother’s house.

If only you were to me like a brother,
who was nursed at my mother’s breasts!
Then, if I found you outside,
I would kiss you,
and no one would despise me.
I would lead you
and bring you to my mother’s house –
she who has taught me.
I would give you spiced wine to drink,
the nectar of my pomegranates.
His left arm is under my head
and his right arm embraces me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.  Song of Songs 8:1-4

She wants to be in her lover’s arms all of the time.

All of which led me on to think about public displays of affection. Where? When? How much is too much? It’s quite a grey area.

What some find appropriate, others find uncomfortable. Seeing an older couple in the street holding hands, for example, can cause joy in one heart and repulsion in another. Seeing an adult couple kissing in the street often elicits that familiar response ‘Get a room!’, whereas for the couple themselves, this PDA could be really significant in declaring their love to others. Children often react really strongly to any PDA between their parents.

Of course, culture and context have a lot to do with it too. How you behave with each other at a party is probably different to how you would behave in church on a Sunday morning. In some countries, PDAs are welcome and celebrated; in others, they are punished.

Let’s forget the public bit for a moment. Physical affection matters. Some people (dare I say men?) feel that they are not very good at it. Remember how many weeks it took for your first boyfriend to hold your hand? And it matters however old you are. However long you have been together. This relationship is more than just a friendship. Physical affection affirms positive outcomes in romantic relationships. Touch is related to the formation of attachment bonds and psychological intimacy. Look at how much we touch our newborn baby. So don’t ever stop touching each other – hold hands, cuddle, massage tired shoulders, stroke, kiss and hug…

Back to the public display of affection. When you’re all loved up, you will only have eyes for each other. You will not be paying much attention to the people around you. And how you think you look to others may be very different from how you actually look – as you are feeding each other food across the table in a restaurant or hooking your hand inside the back of your partner’s jeans. To you, it may seem like a harmless display of love, but to complete strangers, it might be a different picture. It can make some people really uncomfortable.

So there is definitely a case for saying that there is a line that it is best not to cross. Of course, that line can be different in different settings, which makes it hard to judge what is appropriate and what is not. But there is a ‘too much’. It is actually all about respecting the people around you. Considering how they may be feeling. Which doesn’t mean that you have to be completely ‘hands off’.

So here’s a few guidelines:-

If you’re not sure, hold off.

If you wouldn’t want your mum to see, then don’t do it.

Keep it brief – no long snogs in the freezer aisle.

Keep away from touching private parts.

No licking. Or groping.

Think about where you are.

And let’s face it –

Subtle is good. Restraint is sexy.

But don’t get me wrong. Holding hands brings a wonderful sense of belonging. An arm round the shoulder is totally reassuring. So please don’t stop that. Don’t ever stop.