What we say to our kids about sex…

I’ve left myself a lot to do here. I’ve misjudged the days. Run out of time. Really, I could do with two days left in this month, not just the one.

Which is weird because there are only eight chapters in Song of Songs. And even weirder because it is about love and sex – areas that I would not believe I would have a lot to say about.

It’s amazing the ground we’ve covered, isn’t it? I don’t know about you, but I’ve really enjoyed it and found it pretty challenging. So to anyone out there who was thinking ‘I wonder how on earth is she going to manage this?’…well, I have. Well, I will have when I get on with today’s…

So firstly…love. Love changes you. Love is like a seal on the heart – like a wax seal with a crest on it to show who you belong to. Love is as strong as death. People will sacrifice their own life for the one they love. Love is jealous – love protects what is its own. Love is as fierce as a blazing fire – it burns with a passion and intensity and energy. Love cannot be drowned in the waters of life. Love cannot be swept away by all the anxieties and stresses and demands of life. And love cannot be bought. Love is priceless. All based on Song of Songs 8:5-7

And then…waiting for the right time.

Friends: We have a little sister,
and her breasts are not yet grown.
What shall we do for our sister
on the day she is spoken for?
If she is a wall,
we will build towers of silver on her.
If she is a door,
we will enclose her with panels of cedar.

She: I am a wall,
and my breasts are like towers.
Thus I have become in his eyes
like one bringing contentment.
Solomon had a vineyard in Baal Hamon;
he let out his vineyard to tenants.
Each was to bring for its fruit
a thousand shekels of silver.
But my own vineyard is mine to give;
the thousand shekels are for you, Solomon,
and two hundred are for those who tend its fruit. Song of Songs 8:8-12

What can we do to protect our young girls, as they are growing up? What can we do to keep them safe? To help them see the importance of waiting?

At the end of the day, we cannot be there all the time. We cannot watch over them all the time. This determination has to come within themselves. They have to feel in control of their own bodies. The pressures from the world and their friends and the media is immense – all these tell them a different narrative from the one we need to be telling them. And they are bombarded with it day in day out so that giving their body away freely seems to become the most natural thing in the world.

So we need to be talking to them. Often. Not nagging. Not prying. Not asking too many questions. Not trying to be too controlling. Not scare-mongering or threatening. But being open and honest about their bodies and the changes in their bodies. Building them up to believe that their bodies are precious. Building up their self esteem. Reassuring them that they should never feel pressured into something they don’t want to do.

It’s not about having the talk. The sex talk. Having a one off conversation about sex and then feeling that that is enough. It’s not about thinking that school covers these issues on the curriculum so we don’t need to. It’s not about making sex an embarrassing subject that should never be talked about. It is about finding positive examples of sexual relationships in what we watch with our kids and pointing them out. It is about constantly portraying sex as healthy and enjoyable and good in the right situations – and being good role models of this in our own lives. It’s about showing there is more to intimacy than full on penetration.

This young woman describes herself as a wall. She is strong. She cannot be scaled without her consent. She knows how to protect herself. She knows that she is desired by her partner and valued by him. She is in control of her own body. She describes herself as a vineyard – and she can choose who enters in and picks the fruits. She cannot be bought. She cannot be forced.

My own vineyard is mine to give.

I love that. A friend of mine told a similar story to my daughter once – a story none of us have ever forgotten…

You are like a bottle of pop. What you have is yours to give. Imagine a bottle of pop that has been opened and someone has drunk out of the bottle. Maybe more than one person. Maybe the lid has been put on and then some time later, the bottle has been picked up by another person and opened and they have drunk from the bottle. Then you meet someone you really love. Someone you want to give yourself to. You offer them the bottle. They see that the bottle has already been drunk from – quite a few times by the look of it. The pop has lost its fizz and there are a few floaters on the surface….

Or…that bottle has never been opened before. It’s good and fresh and fizzy and tasty…

Yes, I know. That story only goes so far. And it does apply to lads as well as girls. But it is a positive attempt to keep a person safe. To help them see that what they have is theirs to give. At the right time. To the right person. In the right circumstances.

Every time my children leave the house, I look into their eyes and say ‘You are precious. I love you. Remember that – you are precious.’

We cannot be there by their side all the time to make their decisions for them. They have a build up a resilience and strength within themselves that says ‘What I have is mine to give.’ Every day, we have to be building them up. Because every day, they are hearing that other narrative. We cannot rely on anyone out there to do that job for us. This is down to us.

And then the final verse. This whole book ends with an invitation. This wonderful collection of love songs comes back to this.

Come away, my beloved,
and be like a gazelle
or like a young stag
on the spice-laden mountains. Song of Songs 8:14

This is what we should be coming back to again and again and again. This is our safe place of intimacy as a couple where we reconnect and restore what the world has been chipping away at all day. A place where all the stresses and anxieties of the day momentarily slip away in the light of our love. Where, however much of a battering our self esteem has taken through the day, we feel cherished and nurtured and treasured.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through Song of Songs as much as I have. It’s reminded me of a few things that have slipped my mind. Now onto the Book of Isaiah!