Sharing our struggles

Sometimes we go to church whether we feel like it or not. When our world is crumbling all around us and we hear how God is God and God is good and God changes lives and we struggle to see how that is playing out in our lives right now. We’re encouraged to sing songs of thanksgiving and praise and we have no idea what to do with the pain we’re feeling inside.

A month ago, I felt that way. I sat there consumed by my own heartache and confusion and fear. I struggled to sing the songs and pray the prayers. My faith was still hanging in there, but these words were not my words. They weren’t expressing where I was. All I could think during that service was ‘This is my family. I need to tell them what’s going on in my world. They need to know. I need them to know.’

So the following week before the prayers, I stood up with my husband at the front of the church and read out this statement we’d prepared.

Helen: Twenty years, we moved to the North East with our two young boys, Luke and Keir. As soon as we walked through the door of this church, we felt like we’d found our home.
Ever since then, this has been our home and you have been our family.
The day after Courtney came to us at eight months old, I brought her to Young Families in the Church Hall here. Some of you will have been there. Two days after Jordan came to us as a tiny, tiny baby, we brought him to the Christingle. Many of you will remember that day. We celebrated Courtney’s Thanksgiving here with you. We celebrated Jordan and Nicola’s Thanksgiving here with you when Bob gave each of them a tambourine to recognise them as the youngest members of the Hillside band. Back in those days, they were always at the front singing and dancing. You saw all our kids come through Sunday School and the Youth Group and Hungry. Keir and Luke were both confirmed here. And just last year, Luke and Becca were married at Marley Hill. As I said, this has been our home. You have been our family

Andy: Courtney, Jordan and Nicola have all faced struggles and difficulties over the years. Difficulties in learning, in behaving appropriately, in understand and communicating and in making friends. Every day has been a struggle for us as a family. There’s always been some drama or another. We have known the reality of the line ‘By the grace of God we will carry on.’
And many of you have supported through those years with your love and your prayers. Like the person who Helen prayed with every week for years. Like the couple who ask after Courtney every time we see them. Like the lady who comes to Nicola’s dance shows and has a special place for Jordan in her heart. Like our housegroup who meet in our house every week and support us through the interruptions and crises. Like those who come to our house for lunch and sit through it all every Sunday without judging. Like those that came to Courtney’s 18th like the friend who then gave Courtney a driving lesson. Loads of you. Thank you all so much.

Helen: In the last two weeks, all three of them have been diagnosed by a paediatrician at the QE Hospital with Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Which explains an awful lot. This is not something they have all just developed. It’s more that the research is finally catching up with the reality that these kids are living in. This is something they were each born with, something they could do nothing about. The alcohol consumed by their mothers during pregnancy has affected the development of their brains in different ways. For example, Nicola has mild cerebral palsy in her hands and feet which affect her flexibility and her dancing. Jordan struggles to understand and communicate abstract concepts and emotions. Courtney is totally chaotic and literally lives in the moment. All of them struggle with social interaction and friendship and education. Children with FASD operate at about half of their chronological age. They will always need a level of supervision. They may never be able to live fully independently.
This has massive implications for them as individuals and for us as a family. We wanted to let you all know because you are our family. Because one of the things children with FASD really benefit from is a supportive community. We would value your continued prayers for and interest in Courtney, Jordan and Nicola. Perhaps the most important thing to pray for at the moment is that Courtney would be able to stay in the hostel she is living in which is run by the Christian charity Oasis Aquila. Each one of our children have been such a blessing to us. Each one has so many gifts and strengths in their own way. Any of you who know them know that already. But every day continues to have its challenges. Every single day. We believe God has great things in store for them. We want to work with them to discover how life can work best for them.

We expected that we would read this and then sit down and then there would be the prayers and after the service, a few people would come and talk to us about it. We weren’t looking for more than that. We just wanted everyone to know what was going on as part of our church family.

We didn’t expect the stunned silence. The silence that went on for a long time. We didn’t expect so many tears. We didn’t expect everyone to respond from the heart and gather round us and pray for us spontaneously.

God was in that moment. Anyone who was there would have recognised that. And yet it was a moment of deep sorrow. Shared sorrow. It was exactly what I’ve been trying to convey in this blog over the last couple of days. That God’s power is not just to be seen in the victories but also in the blazing furnace that threatens to consume. That faith is made stronger not just through answered prayer but also in the struggles.

There has to be space in our churches for lament. We need to be a people that can accommodate the pain and the struggles and not look the other way because we don’t know what to do with them.

God is the God of it all.