Abdon and Helen

ABDON

After Elon, Abdon son of Hillel, from Pirathon, led Israel. He had forty sons and thirty grandsons, who rode on seventy donkeys. He led Israel eight years. Then Abdon son of Hillel died and was buried at Pirathon in Ephraim, in the hill country of the Amalekites.  Judges 12:13-15

So these minor judges have no mighty deeds to write home about – it’s all about numbers…..40 sons, 40 grandsons, 70 donkeys. Riding on donkeys was regarded as a mark of distinction, by the way – that’s why that fact is worthy of a mention. Their role therefore can be assumed to be more of an arbitrator, keeping the peace, than a military leader. Abdon ‘held office’ for eight years. That’s all we know.

HELEN

I’ve known my friend Helen well for about eight years too. The first time I saw her at a parents’ evening at Lobley Hill Primary School in a crocheted hat (not many of those to be seen in the corridors of LHPS in those days!), I thought ‘Oooh, she’s new….haven’t seen her before….she looks interesting…’

And she was. Really interesting. I haven’t bored of her yet!

Her daughter Emma had a turbulent relationship with Courtney for many years and then her daughter Maisy had a turbulent relationship with Nicola for several years…..and still we managed to stay friends. Now that really is incredible.

We are like chalk and cheese in so many ways – what do we have in common? Family, fashion, fun, fresh air, films….and a love of all things vampire. Not a lot to go on really. And yet it works. It really works.

I don’t know how to put into words why our friendship matters so much to each of us, but it does. It just does. It matters enough to be able to disagree about our kids and still be friends. Enough to be able to disagree about all sorts of things in fact. It matters enough to be able to go to the other when the other has hurt us and talk about it and resolve it and move on together. It matters enough to make time for each other and also to understand when there is not enough time. We are not jealous of each other’s other friendships or interests or possessions. We allow each other to do our own thing. We celebrate each other’s successes and feel the pain of each other’s struggles.

I’ve never had a friendship like this before. I had never done friends well before – I hadn’t had many when I was younger so hadn’t had a lot of practice and then got married young and it was all about Andy and the kids……..my friendships tended to be rather transactional: if someone did something nice for me, I would need to look for a way to make it up to them as soon as a possible; if one of my friends was struggling, I felt it was my role to try to solve it; and there was always that feeling that if my friend really knew me, they would not like me. Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of fantastic friends over the years….sitting with Becca and Lorna after the others had left yesterday afternoon made me realise the value of the years of shared experiences that nothing can take away…..it’s just now, I realise that I could have approached all my friendships in a far healthier way……

So yes, Helen is the best friend, but how has she led me, inspired me and challenged me?

Helen is her own person. She wears what she wants, says what she wants, does what she wants. She is happy to have an individual style that some may feel is ‘eccentric’ – the day we were called ‘eccentric dressers’ by Joanne was hilarious….I think we took it as a compliment…and then argued over who was the most eccentric! She loves clothes – especially dresses and brogues – and is happy to indulge this love whenever possible! She is outspoken – people should always be able to know where they stand with her. And if she’s present at an event, it’s because she really wants to be there; and if not, well…….

I found this hard at first. Given my upbringing of always putting others first, her approach seemed selfish. Then it appeared more and more attractive as I saw the honesty and integrity in it. She did not pretend to be or do or say something that was not real. I have learnt to be more myself and care less what anyone else thinks. I dress how I want. I have learnt to say ‘no’ to invites. I have more confidence in my own opinions. I am not out to please all the time. I do not need to be liked all the time. And yet the freedom to be really me that comes with this means that people do like me more I think, because they see more of the real me……

Helen’s inspired me to unleash my creativity and run with it wherever it takes me…….while I have been developing my writing and teaching (a loose word to cover the groups and stuff that I organise….), she has been developing her singing and photography. We’ve both had our ups and downs – crises of confidence and negative thinking – but we have both supported each other through it and have never let the other give up.

Helen’s challenged me about a lot of stuff. That’s who she is. That’s why I love her. I guess body image is quite a big one. She is tall and thin; I am short and not. She will not entertain any talk of weight or diets or calories. It’s not that it doesn’t interest her – it’s more than that, it drives her insane! I was brought up in a family obsessed with weight and so to have a friendship where it was not the focus was completely liberating. We’re both learning to love our bodies as they are….and it’s wider than that, to love everything about ourselves as we are. We have developed a massive trust in each other – that whatever we reveal about ourselves, we will be accepted and loved. This is special. This is just what I needed.

I look forward to growing old with Helen – we intend to be the fabulous 80 year old fashionistas running around on the beach, drinking cocktails, trying on ridiculous dresses and sharing lemon tart in Cafe Nero…….until then, we’ll enjoy today (which involves going to see ‘Insurgent’ together tonight – sooooo excited!)