The unimaginable

A year ago today, we did the unimaginable. I did the unimaginable.

I packed up my daughter’s things in boxes and bags, took her and them to the Social Services offices and basically said ‘I can’t do this any more’.

She didn’t believe I would go through with it. I’m not sure I believed I would either.

My daughter – my adopted daughter – was 16 at the time. Some of you will say it’s different because she was adopted. Maybe it is. I don’t know. All I know is she was my daughter. My daughter who I had raised with all the love and care that a mother can give since she came to us at eight months old.

And here I was doing the unimaginable. Giving my daughter away. Failing as a mother. Giving up on her.

I had to go into this knowing that I may never see her again. That’s what she’d said. That she would never ever speak to me again. Never see me again. I would be dead to her.

I had to go into it knowing that I was giving up any control I may still have over decisions in her life, over her future. I was entrusting her and her life to a bunch of strangers.

I had to go into it knowing that other people would talk; other people would judge; other people could not and would not begin to understand.

I had to go into it knowing that I was breaking up my family. That my younger adopted children may now live with the fear that I would do this to them. That I was making a decision that would affect the whole family, relatives near and far who had invested love and interest in her.

Of course, this decision was not reached lightly. No one does this on a whim. No one could do this without feeling it is the only available option. The months (years even) leading up to this had been intolerable. For us and for her. None of us could go on like this. None of us could face another day. Whatever the future held, it could not be more of this.

Actually, it takes unimaginable strength to walk away. To walk away from your own child. To admit defeat. To surrender. This was not cowardice. This demanded immeasurable strength.

And so, a year on….where are we now? What about reconciliation and restoration? How are they coming along?

Slowly, I guess.

Slowly but surely.

We are not healed from all the damage that has been done over the years. Neither is she. The emotions are still raw. But we are all healing. Our home is a happier place. She is a happier person. She would now say that this move has been a good thing.

She is not back here, living a happy life in the heart of her family. Everything is not hunky dory, a tale of happily ever after…….. But she was here Monday night, enjoying a takeaway with the family, chatting away to her Grandma and Grandpa, talking a shower, ‘borrowing’ clothes…….she is still in our lives and we are still in hers. There is a deep connection that has not been broken, that has survived, that has become more ‘doable’.

Many people do not understand and have said some very insensitive, hurtful things. We have had to live with this. The people who matter do understand.

She has not completely turned her life around and turned over a new leaf. We’re realistic. That is not even possible at this stage. She’s been through a lot. But she has attended and completed two courses. She is now planning to attend an interview at the Northern Racing College in Doncaster on Friday (she had an interview arranged back in August 2014 and could not bring herself to go then). She is trying. She is in a better place. She can see more clearly.

Our family is not completely fragmented. She believes in our family. She’s thinking of having a tattoo saying ‘Family is more than blood’, because she knows this. Despite all that has happened, she knows this deep in her heart. We are family. Whatever happens, we will always be family.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because this day matters. This day is important to us. We have found a way to forgive but not forget.

This is what reconciliation and restoration are looking like for us right now.

Yes, I did the unimaginable. But back then, where we find ourselves now felt equally unimaginable.

She has a very forgiving heart. She naturally does not hold grudges. She is loving and generous. And we believe that love wins. In the end, love will always win.

Through all of this, love and hope have not been destroyed.

And everyday, we are discovering what love and hope look like for us.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13