I’m predicting emotional carnage…….

So it appears that Moses has one more thing to do before he can call it a day –

“Take vengeance on the Midianites for the Israelites. After that, you will be gathered to your people.”  Numbers 31:2

So a thousand men from each tribe went to fight the Midianites and Phinehas son of Eleazar the priest went with them with ‘articles from the sanctuary and the trumpets for signaling.’ He was the tangible reminder that their God was with them every step of the way.

They killed every man. Including Balaam of the talking donkey fame. They captured the women, children, herds, flocks and goods of the Midianites. They burned all the towns.

How could this be OK? How could God allow all this to happen? In fact, condone it and bring success to the Israelites?

Moses was angry. Had they overdone it? No, not at all. He was cross that they had allowed the women to live. He ordered them to kill all the women who had ever slept with a man and all the boys.

And then he and Eleazar tell the soldiers how to cleanse themselves and their spoils by water and by fire. The spoils were to be divided up between the soldiers and the rest of the community. The soldiers have to offer God one out of every five hundred of their cattle, donkeys and sheep; the community one out of every fifty. As a tribute (makes me think of ‘The Hunger Games’).

Not a single Israelite soldier was killed. In gratitude, the officers bring an extra offering to God.

And then we encounter another group of individuals who were reluctant to step out of their comfort zone –

The Reubenites and Gadites, who had very large herds and flocks, saw that the lands of Jazer and Gilead were suitable for livestock. So they came to Moses and Eleazar the priest and to the leaders of the community, and said, “Ataroth, Dibon, Jazer, Nimrah, Heshbon, Elealeh, Sebam, Nebo and Beon— the land the Lord subdued before the people of Israel—are suitable for livestock, and your servants have livestock. If we have found favor in your eyes,” they said, “let this land be given to your servants as our possession. Do not make us cross the Jordan.”  Numbers 32:1-5

Moses was not impressed. He challenged them and reminded them of what happened before – how the men over 20 who came out of Egypt were never to enter the Promised Land because they were reluctant to cross over into the land God had prepared for them.

“Should your fellow Israelites go to war while you sit here?”  Numbers 32:6

No one can be a spectator in this life. Life is for living , not for sitting back and watching. It is about being fully engaged with all the struggles and challenges, as well as all the joys and adventures.

YOLO!

So they reached a compromise. The Reubenites and Gadites were allowed to build pens for their animals and cities for their children, as long as they went to war with the rest of the Israelites. Then after the land had been ‘subdued’, they would be free to return and settle where they wanted. Moses made sure Eleazar and Joshua understood the arrangement, just in case he was not there to see it through.

What on earth am I meant to do with all that? To be honest, I haven’t got a clue.

But I am fighting a battle of my own this morning and life does feel grossly unfair from where I’m sitting so maybe I’ll let you in to a bit of my ugly. Be warned: it may help me more than it helps you.

I have been so looking forward to this Christmas. I have allowed myself to get very, very excited. I have not set my standards too high. I have been very, very organised, knowing that I would be working every day for a week until the big day itself. I have enjoyed the shopping and the wrapping. I have enjoyed writing our Christmas newsletter. I have even enjoyed the food shopping. Yesterday, I made my husband come food shopping with me. He is my rock. He keeps me calm. His presence makes a difference. As we stood in the long queue for the checkouts, I was overwhelmed with gratitude that he was there –

Queuing at the checkouts in asda like I have never seen it before. So glad I have my man with me to keep me sane! Life is always better with Andy Redfern around.  (My post on Facebook 21 hours ago.)

And now he is ill. He has woken up with flu symptoms. This has happened before. He has done this to me before. Admittedly, I have been ill at Christmas before too, but he copes so much better without me than I do without him.

So I woke at 5am with him panting beside me (and not in a good way!). I was so angry. Beyond angry. Furious at the injustice of it all. Furious at him for letting me down when I need him. Furious at myself for being so mean and pathetic. Furious at God for allowing this to happen. For making it happen even. If this is a test, then I am going to fail. Furious at fate or the gods or bad luck….

Yes, I know lots of people have it worse than us. Right now, that doesn’t seem to be getting through to my panicking brain.

I need my rock. Without him, I want to cancel Christmas. I can’t do it on my own. I can’t be responsible for the Christmas dinner and getting all the presents down and the stockings filled. Most importantly, I can’t do this on my own emotionally. I can’t keep the peace and make it fun and manage the high mixed emotions that will be coursing through our home.

It’s not fair. It’s so not fair. I have done so much to make this day run smoothly. I have done my part. And now when I wanted to hand the baton over to my other half, my other half is not there for me.

I know it’s not his fault. He didn’t mean to get ill. I’m sure he feels terrible physically and emotionally right now. I expect he needs me to be kind and understanding (that will have to wait. I’m not ready to be that person yet. I don’t trust myself not to say something nasty and make him cry).

I know I should be asking God for strength. He has seen me through before and He will see me through again. But I’m somehow not ready for that either. I’m still too angry. I wouldn’t have to be asking for God’s help if He had just allowed my rock to be fully fit and functional (telling statement in itself, I know).

So with all these emotions churning inside me, I got up at 5:30 and wrote lists. I took charge. I will make this happen. I will go inside shortly and peel all the veg before work. Physically, I can do it. I don’t want to do it. But I will do it. And it will be OK.

Emotionally is another matter. I feel let down. And I feel guilty for feeling that way. We deserve a nice day together. Andy has worked so hard all year and deserved a lovely day with his lovely wife. I feel bitter and resentful. I need him up on the frontline standing by me in the emotional battles, not up in bed or in the background on the sofa. I don’t want to do this on my own. I don’t believe I can.

I didn’t ask for much. We have kept it really simple. But I wanted a nice family meal with my five children and Luke’s fiance. Just the eight of us sat round the table enjoying making memories together. A lot is changing in my family and who knows if we will ever get this opportunity again…..

Christmas has always been hard for us emotionally. I wasn’t brought up to enjoy Christmas. Andy struggles over the whole presents thing. Luke has always got easily bored with a whole day or so in front of him with nothing planned. Keir has always been introvert and struggled to sit at the table with the whole family (and sometimes refused to all together). Courtney has yearned for it to be perfect and not coped when it never is. Jordie hates all the build up and struggles with all the people and noise and chaos. Nicola is impatient and wants everything she needs done done immediately……..

This year is no different, except I was determined to enjoy Christmas and was doing a great job of it and Andy bought his own gadget to play with on Christmas Day. But within half an hour of being here on Monday night, Luke was saying ‘Right, I’m bored now. Can we go home?’. He’s tormented the dog and has proved yet again he put the pro into procrastination. Keir has wanted to like being around us and has really tried – but I always get the feeling he would rather be somewhere else. Jordan is sleeping really badly and is full of anxiety which is making him tired and irritable. Nicola is locked away in her room chatting to her friends demanding food and drink and not entering into the magic of Christmas at all. I love them all to bits. My heart aches with love for them all. I want each of them to be happy.

Courtney too. I love Courtney to bits. My heart aches with love for her. I desperately want her to be happy. However, she has not been back here to stay since she went into foster care six weeks ago. This could be the most awkward situation emotionally she has ever had to face. She’s had a bad weekend too. There’s still a good chance she will refuse to come all together. I so much want her to feel loved, but know that that is an impossibility. I cannot allow my emotions for her to show because she backs off and becomes aggressive if she feels any emotional pressure. I know I can just about hold it together but I have to handle everyone else’s emotions towards her too – they all have their own conflicting emotions about the whole situation that they will quite literally be bringing to the table. I’m predicting emotional carnage.

I really don’t think I can hold all of this together on my own. I have been so strong but right now, I feel weak. I feel defeated before the battle has even begun. I feel desperately sad that I am even describing this the next couple of days as a battle. It’s supposed to be a wonderful family time, a time for enjoying being together. We have always struggled with even that. I feel we have failed as a family. I have failed as a mother. The expectations simply highlight how far short we fall.

I am terrified at the thought of crossing over in to the unknown emotional territory of the next couple of days. I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel panicky.

Yes, this amazing ‘I can’ woman you all seem to admire is saying ‘I can’t’.

OK, rant over. So what can I learn from today’s passage?

• God has a role for me to play over the next couple of days and He will equip me for it
• God is with me every step of the way. That’s what this season is all about, after all – Emmanuel, God with us
• God does allow bad things to happen and we will never understand why – that is where faith comes in
• lots of people will have it an awful lot worse than me this Christmas time
• life is for living , not for sitting back and watching. It is about being fully engaged with all the struggles and challenges, as well as all the joys and adventures
• I can. With the grace and strength and love of God, I can.

I’ll let you know.