The realities of rivalry……..

My sister used to attend a church when her kids were young where they said a prayer every week thanking God for the ‘joys of family life’.  Some weeks she could wholeheartedly say those words with meaning; other weeks it was through gritted teeth or tears; and others, she could not bring herself to utter the words at all. She had three young children all very close in age, you see – no better or worse than most children, but it was the sometimes unrelenting bickering that got my sister down.

We got to a point where we could laugh about it. She has quoted it to me often as her children have grown up and grown out of sibling rivalry, and then mine have come along and carved a path of bickering and constant comparisons – ‘I hope you’re still experiencing ‘the joys of family life’! Lol!

Yes, of course, sometimes family life is full of joys and laughter and it right to feel grateful for these. Because quite often, it is not. As parents, we wonder why our kids waste so much emotional energy arguing. We marvel at how cruel they can be to their own brothers and sisters. We yearn for our children to love and care for each other as much as we love and care for them. We get frustrated to be having to sort out arguments over which side of the car to sit on and who chooses on TV and who gets the last of the pop……

Yesterday, I breathed a sigh of relief when Jordan and Nicola left for school on time with smiles on their faces. However, within minutes, Nicola had stormed back through the door in floods of tears saying that Jordan had punched her ‘for no reason’ and that she was not getting the bus with him. I ended up having to drive her to school – imagine my joy.  After school, I heard Jordan’s version of events – which of course, was completely different. And then where do you go from there? How do you ever get to the bottom of anything? You agonise and fret over it – until you hear them laughing together mid-evening over a Youtube video and all seems to be forgotten. The joys of family life indeed.

In my experience, one thing children love to do is tell on a sibling. There seems to be nothing more satisfying than pointing out what your brother or sister has done wrong and seeing them pay. It must make you feel really good to hear your sister being told off and given a consequence. My youngest children relish the opportunity to do this. (And then teenagers enter into an unholy alliance where parents are told nothing – but that’s another story!)

Growing up, I had less of this, because I was ten years younger than my brother and sister. But a certain level of comparisons and  rivalry are inevitable among siblings, however old you are and however ‘nice’. I’m sure we’ve all looked at a sibling at some point and thought ‘How come they….?’ I bet we’ve all heard our parent talk about our sibling and thought ‘If they actually knew what he/she was like, they would think differently.’

Miriam and Aaron did. As Moses’ brother and sister, they had seen their brother be chosen and become the leader of the Israelites. They had developed ministries of their own – Aaron was the High Priest and Miriam was a prophetess – and yet, here was Moses, getting all the glory. They were seemingly jealous. They knew Moses was far from perfect and needed everyone else to take Moses down from his pedestal and see him as he really was.

Miriam and Aaron began to talk against Moses because of his Cushite wife, for he had married a Cushite. “Has the Lord spoken only through Moses?” they asked. “Hasn’t he also spoken through us?” And the Lord heard this.  Numbers 12:1-2

This doesn’t just happen in families of course. It’s easy to become jealous of someone getting all the glory in the workplace, among friends, in a church group or a leisure club. We work just as hard as them, but for what? No one notices when we get it right. It’s always all about X. They can never put a foot wrong. All their mistakes are overlooked. It’s just not fair!

The next verse is really interesting. It’s in brackets, so it’s an aside, but it’s a very interesting aside –

(Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.)  Numbers 12:3

Do you remember how. back in Genesis, we got the feeling that the young Joseph didn’t handle his father’s favouritism very well? He flaunted it before his brothers – and they ended up hating him for it.

Moses is not like that. He is a humble man. He is constantly aware of his human weakness. Right at the start, he tried to talk God out of choosing him as leader. And just in the last chapter, he voices that this job is far too big a task for him –

I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me.  Numbers 11:14

He knows that he has to rely on God for wisdom and strength every step of the way.

Being humble is good. It’s a great perspective. It doesn’t mean putting ourselves down all the time, but it does mean recognising that every gift we do have comes from God and is not because we are innately more special than or superior to any other person. It’s about never forgetting that we are human, never forgetting that the next spectacular mistake is potentially only a heartbeat away. It’s about taking the praise and glory and limelight with a pinch of salt – learning to celebrate our achievement without forgetting to thank the one who gave us the gift in the first place.

So what does God do? He calls the siblings before him to sort this out once and for all. He points out the very special relationship He has with their brother Moses –

“When there is a prophet among you,
I, the Lord, reveal myself to them in visions,
I speak to them in dreams.
But this is not true of my servant Moses;
he is faithful in all my house.
With him I speak face to face,
clearly and not in riddles;
he sees the form of the Lord.
Why then were you not afraid
to speak against my servant Moses?”  Numbers 12:6-8

He does not speak to Moses in the same way He speaks to the prophets – through visions, dreams and riddles. No, He speaks to Moses face to face. Moses sees God. This is a unique relationship and Aaron and Miriam need to get over themselves and get used to it.

Not everyone can have the same role. And some roles seem far more glamorous and significant than others. But we all have a part to play and it may not be the one we would have chosen but we need to acknowledge any jealousy we feel and not let it eat away at us. Then we need to get over ourselves and get used to it and be the very best we can be in whatever role we find ourselves.

Here’s an example. I love to play my violin in the band at church. It makes my soul sing. Other people seem to like it too. But I don’t get to play very often for various reasons – only four or five times a year. At first, I found this very hard – the whole ‘It’s not fair!’ thing. Why would God give me a gift and then not let me use it?

Anyway, I’ve come to realise over time that the only thing I can control in any situation is my own reaction. So I have learnt to let go and not agonise over the times when I am not playing. I have learnt to cherish the times that I do play and treasure every moment of the band practice and service. I don’t know if that has made me humble, but it has made me less consumed by envy and resentment and more able to worship God, whether from my seat or from behind a music stand.

Miriam is temporarily brought low by leprosy that covered her skin for seven days. Sometimes we need a tangible reminder of our place and role in the world. ‘Pride comes before a fall’ and all that.

So yes, the only thing we can control in any situation is our own reaction. We can control how we react to praise and receiving all the glory and being in the limelight. We can recognise and control how we feel when someone else is getting all the  praise and receiving all the glory and being in the limelight. We can think about how we put others on a pedestal and value some roles more highly than others. We can learn to catch colleagues and friends and kids doing something great and encourage them by telling them.

Rivalry is a reality but it does not have to ruin relationships.

I hope this doesn’t all sound too preachy. This is a reality for me too. Just today, I felt jealous when some of my colleagues were celebrated as Festive Stars and I was not. I basically want it to be me all the time! I feel challenged about all this and it is great to have this reminder. All I can do is do my best and let God take care of the rest – a cliche, I know, but true nevertheless.