Soulmates

Today we’re going to have a look at the deep friendship that develops between David and Saul’s son Jonathan.

A deep friendship between two men? You don’t see that very often.

In fact, the details given about this close relationship have led to much speculation over the years about the nature of this relationship.

‘Two men as close as this? They must be gay!’

That sort of thing.

I’ve had a look at some of the speculation available on the internet and of course, you can find evidence to back up whichever position on this you prefer.

‘What was the relationship between David and Jonathan?’  is a reasoned account of a ‘true biblical friendship’.

‘Would Jesus discriminate?’ is a reasoned account of a ‘deep romantic relationship’.

I’m not going to draw a conclusion here. Sorry to disappoint.

I don’t need to know.

I don’t want to spend my time judging or justifying.

If it is not made clear either way and we are not given definitive facts, then I do not need to speculate.

There is loads we can learn from this friendship either way.

The first we hear of Jonathan is this –

After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.  1 Samuel 18:1-4

The young shepherd boy David has just defeated the mighty giant Goliath and Jonathan is clearly in awe of him. Without thinking, he strips off what he is wearing and gives David his most precious possessions, the ultimate symbols of his power and status as a prince. He recognises that David is special. He acknowledges this by his actions.

This extravagance seems pretty extreme and hard to understand. But remember what Jonathan has just witnessed – a young inexperienced lad bringing down the mighty Goliath, who had brought terror into the bones of every Israelite soldier. No wonder he was in awe.

Jonathan makes an agreement, a covenant with David. He knows that that special something that David has will equip him to be a better king than Jonathan himself will ever be. This plays out over the next few chapters. Jonathan will step aside and do all he can to support David (even if this means standing against his own father) in return for David’s mercy and protection for his family. You see, true friendship is about putting the interests of your friend before your own – being able to support them in their successes (and deal effectively with your own envy); being truly happy for them; allowing them to do their own thing and succeed (without holding them back with your fear and jealousy).

One version uses the phrase ‘loved him as his own soul.’ I guess this is the ultimate description of soulmates. If you are fortunate to have one, you will know what this means. When you first meet someone, you know you will be friends. You feel completely you in their company. You don’t have to explain everything you’re feeling – they just know. Your spirit leaps when they enter the room. Life is always better with them in it. You have an unbreakable bond. You would do anything for them. You want to spend as much time with them as you can. You yearn to share in all their joys and sorrows. When they hurt, you hurt. When they laugh, you laugh.

This kind of friendship cannot be manufactured. You don’t pick your soulmates – well, your mind doesn’t anyway. Your soul does. Your soul connects with theirs. Its special and unique and precious.

I suppose it sounds a lot like falling in love. You do in a way. You develop a friendship with the most unlikely of friends for you – someone who is nothing like you and who doesn’t have much in common with you and isn’t the sort of person you would normally choose to hang around with……but it’s a different kind of love, a love without the whole romantic complications and sexual attractions……it’s inexplicable but exciting and definitely worth treasuring and protecting and nurturing.

Now Jonathan faces a dilemma. Saul is so jealous of David’s popularity and successes that he orders Jonathan and his men to kill him. No way will Jonathan kill his friend who he loves more than life itself. He warns David and tries to persuade Saul to change his mind (which he does – for now).

“Let not the king do wrong to his servant David; he has not wronged you, and what he has done has benefited you greatly. He took his life in his hands when he killed the Philistine. The Lord won a great victory for all Israel, and you saw it and were glad. Why then would you do wrong to an innocent man like David by killing him for no reason?”  1 Samuel 19:4-5

As time goes by, the situation with Saul doesn’t get any better. David knows that Saul has become aware of the deep friendship between David and Jonathan and has stopped telling Jonathan his plans where David is concerned. They work out a plan to get Saul to reveal how he feels about David (involving a feast and some arrows – read it for yourself in 1 Samuel 20). Jonathan is still 100% loyal to David –

Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.”  1 Samuel 20:4

At the feast, Saul does get angry at David’s absence and lashes out in anger at his son –

“You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don’t I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send someone to bring him to me, for he must die!”  1 Samuel 20:30-31

This paragraph from ‘Would Jesus discriminate?’ touched a chord with me –

Many gay men have experienced dinner conversations that sounded very similar to this one. They made the mistake of talking about their lover at the table, and their father became furious. More often than not, the blame goes first to the mother, who was “too soft,” or “too harsh,” or who “perverted” her son somehow. Then the father turns his anger toward the son: “Can’t you see how you’re shaming the whole family? Do you even care what this will do to your career? You’ll never amount to anything until you give up this foolishness!”

Of course, this conversation isn’t exclusively the reserve of gay men – all sorts of relationships and friendships don’t get the approval of parents who want the best for their children. My dad doesn’t approve of some of my friendships even now!

So it’s time for David to run away. The two friends know they may not see each other ever again. And it breaks their hearts –

After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most.  1 Samuel 20:41

They do not ever see each other again. When David hears of Jonathan’s death in the first chapter of 2 Samuel, he grieves –

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women.  2 Samuel 1:26

David’s experiences of romantic complications and sexual attraction with women haven’t been that great to date. Full of intrigue and deceit and manipulation (as these kind of relationships often are). Maybe that’s why he rates his friendship with Jonathan so highly. Maybe there is nothing more to read into this statement than that. Am I the only one who sometimes finds an evening out with a friend far more relaxing than an evening out with my husband (no offence!)?

I love this friendship between David and Jonathan. I’m biased though. I value friendship and make a lot of time for it in my life. I have a few very close friends and I invest a lot of time and energy and emotion into these relationships because they matter.

At the risk of sounding sexist, most women do.

Women tend to do friendship well.

And men do not.

Well, that’s how it looks from where I sit.

Maybe this account will spur a few men on to consider friendship.

Maybe it will inspire all of us to be thankful for the friendships we do have and give them the time and attention that they need.

Friendships like these require cost and sacrifice and inconvenience and heartache and risk at times.

But they are so worth it.

Believe me.