Dear Mum….

Dear Mum,

…..we all miss you dreadfully – I miss hearing your voice, the things you said, all the things you did to show how much you cared. I am totally convinced that you loved me so much and were happy for me. I feel so sad that Luke will never know you – he will miss out on so much. I so much want to be able to share him with you. I want you back and don’t understand why you have been taken from me. You leave such a hole in my life – that I don’t want anyone else to fill……

…….but I thank God for what has gone before and trust Him for the future. I’m frightened of how I’ll cope without you, but I know I will somehow. I’ll do my best for everyone else too – try to love them all as you did. Where did all you love come from? Thank you for it. I must say goodbye now……

22 years ago, 10 days after her death, I wrote this letter to my Mum. There’s nothing remarkable about that. When we lose someone suddenly, we have so much left we want to say. When we are used to communicating with someone every day and offloading every day and seeking their advice, then we still yearn to connect with them even when they are no longer physically with us.

I still have that letter. I couldn’t send it. I don’t think I believed she could read it. I certainly didn’t believe she would reply. But it helped me to write it nevertheless.

Different people cope with this yearning to connect with loved ones in different ways. Of course, they do. That”s what makes us all unique.

Some talk to loved ones throughout the day. Others write letters or sing songs. Some go to spiritualist meetings desperate to hear a word via a spiritualist from the one they love (which is open to all sorts of abuse as far as I can gather). Others have a special item that they can hold in their hand to connect them with that special someone. Others have a special place to go – a chair, a park bench, the grave……. – where they feel they are in the presence of the one they have lost.

Like Kristina in my book ’embrace’ –

She sat down in front of the stone on the damp, cold ground. She hadn’t dressed for the occasion.
Like Jesse would care anyway, even if he was here to see me. Which it doesn’t feel like he is. It’s weird. It really doesn’t feel like he’s here, well, no more than anywhere else. I’ve got so used to his presence all around me all of the time, I guess. This feels no different, even with his body here in the ground beneath this stone.

Love each other
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life
for his friends.
John 15:13-14

Oh my God, Jesse. Really? Please tell me you had nothing to do with this. Please tell me this makes you cringe as much as it does me. How did you let them get away with this? Although the first bit is fine, I can see that. No one has ever loved me like you did and I do want to learn to love more like you. I think I am already. But that last sentence makes me mad. It still feels so wrong. They might as well have written ‘He died for Kristina Butler. Blame her.’ That’s what it feels like to me. Can’t you see that?
Thank God I didn’t make it to your funeral. You understand why I couldn’t come, don’t you? You saw the state I was in then. I was barely making it to the bathroom and back.
I’m wearing your brooch, did you notice? It always makes me smile. The tail feathers are so flamboyant, so not me really and yet when I stroke them, I get a sense that maybe that’s how you see me – in all my glory haha.
You’d be proud of me now, I think. I have my little shop ‘embrace’. It’s going so well. Beyond my wildest dreams. D and I are good. I’m learning to fly again. Not even again. I’m learning to fly for the first time. Not literally obviously, but like the butterfly on the brooch Meneer Peeters sent for my birthday……

And then maybe days and months and years can go by, but when we need help and advice in a difficult situation, then we find ourselves turning back to the one who has helped and advised us in the past.

Which is why I guess Saul visits a medium in 1 Samuel 28. His world is falling apart. He is consumed by resentment and jealousy for David, who once held such a precious place in his heart and life. He is struggling to hold his kingdom together, struggling to hold onto his kingship. He remembers how Samuel anointed him and believed in him. Samuel is the only one who can speak wisdom into this situation.

But Samuel is dead.

Saul had previously got rid of all the mediums and spiritists from the land, but now he is afraid. Afraid of the Philistines. Afraid for the future. Afraid enough to dabble in things that he would normally not touch with a barge pole.

God will not answer. Samuel is his only hope.

So Saul disguises himself and goes to a medium in Endor (surely if she’s a good medium, she would see through a disguise?!?). She thinks it’s a trap as Saul has forbidden this kind of activity. And when she brings up Samuel, all does become clear. She recognises Saul. And Samuel is not impressed.

Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?”

“I am in great distress,” Saul said. “The Philistines are fighting against me, and God has departed from me. He no longer answers me, either by prophets or by dreams. So I have called on you to tell me what to do.”  1 Samuel 28:15

Surely it’s a bit late for this, Saul. All those years when I was around and you could have taken notice of what I said and you completely ignored me. You chose not to listen to my warnings. You went your own way and did your own thing. And now you want my help! It’s too late. What’s done is done. Because you disobeyed God, He has given your kingdom to David. There’s nothing you can do about it now.

Saul is gutted. He hasn’t eaten all day. He has no strength left – physically or emotionally. The woman has compassion on him and gives him food and makes him rest.

But nothing can save him now.

I think I’ve explained why Saul may want to connect with Samuel as he does. He is human. We are human. It is part of being human. We each find our own way to deal with this longing and have to accept that each one of us is different. One of the most helpful things said to Andy after my Mum died was ‘Let Helen find her own way to grieve. Let her do it her way.’ And he did.

But I guess something needs to be said about the spiritual realm and dealings like Saul’s with mediums and spiritists. I am no expert. There’s a lot out there written and spoken on this if you want to do your own research. I would say that grieving hurting individuals are very vulnerable and can be easily exploited – and the people who would do that and make money out of that astound me.

And because I firmly believe in good and God and the various manifestations of good in the world, then I have to allow for the opposite – evil and the Devil and the various manifestations of evil in the world.

This does not scare me –

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38-39

– but I am wary. Why spend time on evil when there is so much good to be found and celebrated in the world? Why choose an obsession with death when you can choose a life-giving path? Why learn about the devil when there is so much I still don’t know about God?

That’s not answer at all, I know. I’m sorry.

That’s the best I can do today. Because I am about to take my beautiful dogs out in the beautiful sunshine and connect with God in his wonderful world and give thanks for my Mum……